Monday, April 30, 2012

God's Knitting in My Belly

I am now 13 weeks pregnant.

My belly is shaped quite differently...although I haven't gained a lot of weight. My shape is changing a lot sooner than it did with the last 2 babies, but this is not the first time it's doing this.

It's exciting that it's starting to show that I'm pregnant. That there is a baby being knit together by the hands of God inside of me. - That's a deep thought...

Psalms 139:13 says, "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb."

That is so exciting. Such a neat picture of what is going on inside of me. And that all this that we are going through has a purpose...a Divine Purpose that God is working on even now.

I thought the sickness would be over at this point...but it's not. At all. Yesterday I was sick all afternoon and much so that my stomach was growling because I was hungry, but I couldn't make myself eat. Nothing - absolutely nothing - was appealing to me...the thought of food made me want to vomit...I couldn't even look at pinterest...seeing pictures of food made me more nauseous.

I cannot believe that I'm still feeling sick. I should be over this.

But I'm not. Ulgh. Just not fun.

It makes it difficult on everyone, but everyone is handling it well. My kids are troopers...they will settle for kisses, hugs and snuggles on the couch with books and movies...

Lee is handling it pretty well too. He's taking good care of me and the kids. He has said he feels helpless at times because there's nothing to make me feel better...but by him taking care of the kids when he's here with us means everything to me.

I know that this will pass soon and be just a memory.

Before we know it we'll be having another baby.

During the hard times, when there's nothing but frustration, it's hard to see the end is in sight...but it is. It's not going to be like this forever.

One of my favorite quotes is, "It all works out in the end. If it hasn't worked out, it's not the end."

So true.

There is an end in sight.

And although I could feel nauseated throughout this pregnancy, I'm believing and praying that I won't. I pray that I will be able to enjoy the extra energy surges of the 2nd trimester. That I'll be able to play with my kids and do everything that I need and want to do.

Thanks for praying with me!!!

Friday, April 27, 2012

I May Not Look Pregnant...But I Am!

Just when I think I'm feeling better...I get hit with a huge wave of all day nausea. Absolutely no fun. I'm sure the exhaustion I felt from some late nights and early mornings at our Louisiana Assemblies of God District Council meetings didn't help. 

I keep telling Lee that this time of sickness is going to go away...I'll be over it soon. I mean, I'm almost 13 weeks along in this pregnancy! But it's not over for me yet. 

Being pregnant is a scary yet exciting adventure - and not just for me, but for Lee & the kids too. 

I feel like an awful mom when all I want to do is lay on the couch because if I move too much I may vomit. 

And I feel like an awful wife when Lee comes home to a messy house...and a less than ideal dinner...and then we bathe kids and get them ready for bed...and I fall asleep before all of them!!

But, this is a season. Soon I will be feeling better, have more energy, eat everything in sight...all the good things about being pregnant. 

It's a hard season because I don't look very pregnant on the outside, but I feel very pregnant on the inside. 

Lee & I were watching TV last night - a night that I didn't fall asleep with the kids...and there was a sweet little baby laying in a crib...and he said, "Awww...we are going to have another one like that..." 

That's exciting. And that's what this whole process is all about. 

I still wonder why God chose us to be parents yet again. There are so many married couples that I know who are desperately wanting...desiring...begging God for children...and yet He chose me again. 

It's another mystery that I don't understand...and one that I don't want to take for granted. 

And it gives me more fervor to pray for my friends who long to have children of their own. 

I've seen miracles happen. Women who were told they would never have children become pregnant...

And one of the crazy things dad has faith to pray for these women. Some he prayed for years for...and they've had children...and some haven't. 

It's not up to my dad to decide who has a baby or's up to God. 

And it's not my place to question Him. How can the clay ask the Potter, "What are you doing to me?" 

I am in His hands...longing to be shaped and molded into the woman He wants me to be. And He has the right to do whatever that takes to get me to be that woman. 

I can't ask for anything more. 

Friday, April 20, 2012

Confident - Not Insecure

It's a great feeling when Lee & I are on the same page.

It's hard when we are not on the same page or even in the same book...

Miscommunication is one of the most frustrating parts of our marriage. 

It's not that we are not communicating, we are just not communicating correctly. 

I have found that I get super defensive when we talk about things that I'm insecure about. 


And that is a hard habit for me to change. 

I have to almost remove myself from the conversation...

Lee graciously points out, "I'm not attacking you...I'm just saying..."

It's still hard for me. I still get defensive even when I know he's not attacking me. 

And it all boils down to me being insecure. 

And boy am I insecure about certain things...

And I feel like I have to prove to Lee that I'm right...justify my actions or thoughts.

Communication is hard for me. I'd rather write about it or think about it...but to verbally put it into words is not my favorite thing to do.

I know that Lee is for me, not against me. He wants me to win, to succeed in life. And I know that he wants that for our marriage and family too.

I just need to get over myself. To be open and honest with myself and with him. To let down my guard and look at the bigger picture of things instead of looking at my own insecurities.

I want to improve in this area! I don't want to stay the same!! I want to change, to be a better wife and communicator with the man who loves me so deeply. I want to be able to walk through my insecurities with him - knowing that he cares for me...and he loves me the way that I am...and he sees the woman I am beyond my insecurities. And that is the woman he wants me to be - confident and not insecure.

I am so blessed to have a husband who pushes me beyond what I am to what God has created me to be. I am empowered to be a confident woman because of the confident man walking along side me with his hand on the small of my back. 

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Rejoicing and Mourning...

I'm starting to feel better during the day...which is a miracle. Thank you for those who have been praying. 

And I know that I'm getting closer to the second trimester because I'm starting to get a little more energy. Last night as I was picking up toys in the living room, Lee said, "you must be feeling better..." It was definitely noticeable. 

And as I get closer to the second trimester, I still have a little fear of losing this baby too. 

I mean, I know it can happen. 

Thanks to social media, I am aware of a lot more friends who are either in the process of getting pregnant, wanting to be pregnant, or losing a baby...even full-term babies. Those are rare, but it still happens. 

This is all such a painful process. 

I don't want to take my healthy kids for granted. 

I don't want to take this pregnancy for granted...even if it doesn't go like I think it will. 

It amazes me the women who get pregnant without any plans or complications...and then it amazes me that there are so many women who want to be pregnant so badly and yet they remain barren for years and years...sometimes forever. 

I don't understand. I definitely don't have any answers. It's hard for me to even think of words to comfort those who are mourning in this area. And I know that life is hard for these ladies and their families...seeing and hearing of other's pregnancy joys can bring sorrow and bitterness...

All I can do is pray and trust God that He knows what is best. 

And those words seem so calloused sometimes...and unless they are accompanied by His peace, they offer no comfort. 

Romans 12 is one of my favorite chapters in the Bible. I'm currently working on memorizing the whole chapter - all 21 verses. There is so much power and encouragement in those verses. I want them in my heart. 

Verse 15 says, "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn."

And that is what I will do. And I believe God gives us grace to do both at the same time. Rejoice with those who are pregnant and have babies...and mourn with those who are still longing. 

God's grace is enough for me...all that I need to rejoice and mourn...and live life to the fullest no matter what my circumstances may look like. 

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

"Look, Mom, I'm the Grinch"

Being a parent is interesting.

Lee & I are responsible for shaping and molding 2 little individuals...soon to be 3.

We want our kids to grow up confident and compassionate...loving God and loving people.

And our actions shape our kids...but so do our reactions.

When Bella says something that we don't want her to we react will determine her future actions.

Well, today I was putting Brennan down for a nap. This is usually a 20 minute ordeal, and often it is longer because Bella interrupts and wakes him up...but today she didn't.

I knew that she was coloring, and has been fascinated with coloring her hands to make artwork.

Well, she took it a step further today.

She walked into my room and quietly said, "Look, Mom, I'm the Grinch..."

I didn't know what to say...but all I could do was laugh.

She was covered in green arm, her face, her lips, even the bottom of her feet.

Thankfully it is a washable marker - whoever invented those are geniuses!!

I didn't fuss at her. I laughed with her. I told her she was very creative...and it's not good to color yourself - let's stick to paper.

She's a creative little girl. She loves coloring and glueing and glittering things.

And she's a good little girl. She didn't do this out of spite or defiance.

And I want to foster that creativity instead of make her cringe every time she sees a marker.

So, I just will have to keep a closer watch on her when there are markers on the loose!

She looks sad in this picture, but I had just taken the marker away...and she was being the Grinch, who is a sad man.

It wasn't much longer and she was in the tub, and it washed off super easy...although she did want to stay like this until her daddy got home.

She had a blast...and it was a good laugh...

And I know it won't be the last time she gives me a good, creative shock.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Higher than Mine...

It's been a rough few weeks.

I've been nauseated and exhausted...not a fun combination for anyone - me, Lee, or the kids. 

We've been making it, but it sure is tough right now. 

I just want to sleep, but I have insomnia and wake up at 3 in the morning and can't get back to sleep. And during the day all I want to do is lay on the couch because if I get up I'm going to vomit. 

Just not a lot of fun. 

But, I know that sickness in the early stage is a good sign...and it's a good sign that I still feel pregnant. That was one of the things that amazed me about the miscarriage is that I went from feeling pregnant to NOT feeling pregnant at all. So, like I said, this is a really good sign. 

I do still wonder what God is doing. I mean 3 close together. 

And as much as I want to freak out about this, there's nothing else I can do except trust Him that He knows what He's doing way better than I do. 

Isaiah 55:9 says, "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

He knows what He's doing. I can trust that. 

My life would not look anything like it does now if I had only trusted myself and chose my own way. I'm not adventurous. I wouldn't choose to take risks. But things God has asked me to do has stretched my faith as I've trusted that He knows what He's doing. This is just another instance of learning to trust in Him.

He's going to provide everything this child needs. This child will not be forsaken. Neither will I. 

(This picture is from when I was pregnant with Bella...but it's crazy that I'll be looking like this again in no time!)