Beginning to Reflect on 2014

I've decided that I'm going to get back into blogging! 

All it takes is a decision and action! :) 

As we get to the end of 2014, it is a huge time of reflection for me! I've done this since I was a teenager. It's great to look back and see where I've been and plan and dream about where I am going. 

2014 has been a...year. I'm struggling with finding the right adjective to describe it. 

There were some really good, amazing, incredible things that happened...beautiful moments...but then there were some hard, dark, harsh moments too. 

Most people may not be aware of the dark moments that our family faced. And that is ok. Even though we live in an age of social media, where everyone is connected, but these moments were hard to describe. Every once in a while we might have asked for prayer or said we were having a hard time, but it wasn't a picture of the daily struggles we were facing. 

Lee was in a serious season of deep depression. Each day...each moment...was a struggle. I felt as if we had been robbed of our joy, and no matter what we did or what we prayed, we couldn't get it back. 

I knew it was bad...but often, I don't think I realized it was as bad as it was. 

We lived in survival mode. Just barely making it from one day to the next. 

I think the day that I realized it exactly how hard it had been was when a group of our UL Chi Alpha students came to Colorado for a camping trip and then came to Connection Church on the Sunday before they headed back to Louisiana. We hung out with them at Blair and Christian's apartment after church for a while, which was wonderful! 

I hadn't seen Lee that genuinely happy in a very long time. He was alive. He was himself. He was the man I had married. After that Sunday, I just kept crying as I thought about the glimpse of my husband I had seen. I missed him. 

That was one of the hardest seasons we have been through together. 

I personally went through a time of depression after we lost everything in our Uhaul fire and Hurricane Katrina demolished my hometown. And Lee was super supportive as we survived that time, even dealing with his own emotions and grief. 

This time around...3 little babies at home all day...it was extra difficult. 

I'm thankful for the grace of God. I'm thankful that He walked us through that season. And I'm happy to say that it is over! 

There is joy in our home and our lives again. We work hard to not live in a constant state of survival with our 3 little ones. This is such a demanding season of life with them, but we definitely want to enjoy it and embrace it! I know that it will not be like this forever, and I refuse to rush through it by wishing for the next season to come!

We are stronger because of the struggles we walk through together. And we can appreciate where we are now because of where we have been. 

Looking forward to 2015!!

Psalm 23:4 "Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." 

Marriage Maintenance:: So When You Have a Bad Day

It is unrealistic to think that every day of marriage will be blissful...I mean, every day as a human isn't blissful...and marriage is 2 humans sharing life together...and when 1 is having a bad day, it usually means the other is as well.

And often, because of the nature of life...we take our bad days out on those closest to us...

Others may not have a clue that you are having a bad day...but your spouse should.

So, what do you do if you are the one having the bad day?

1. Don't say things that you'll regret.
It's easier said than done. When I'm having a bad day, my words can cut Lee like a knife. I'm usually short-tempered...I usually say things that I don't mean...or in a way that I don't mean them... And normally my goal is not to intentionally hurt Lee, but that's usually what happens because I'm being super selfish and a jerk. And although it kills Lee when I'm quiet...it's in these moments that it's better if I keep my comments to myself.

2. Don't bring up past irritations.
1 Peter 4:8 says, "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins." I know that I'm not perfect and I do things that even tick him off. And then there are things that he does that irritate me...and honestly, it's super easy to focus on those things when I'm in a selfish, negative mindset. But it's super important for me not to bring those up. Live in the moment, not the past.

And then what do you do if you are not the one having the bad day, but your spouse is?

1. Take it in stride...
I've probably had more bad days than Lee has...and I take it out on him more than he does on me. It's not a daily thing that we take turns on...it's pretty rare for us. I don't expect his bad day just to go away because I want it to...So, when the bad day happens, I let it happen. I don't always to try to fix it...sometimes it's just best to give a little space. It may be best to talk about it afterwards.

2. Keep my comments to myself
I don't have to react to what is being said or done. 1 Corinthians 13 gives a list of what love is. (I talked about it in my blog post Celebrating LOVE, you can click here to read that one). One of the things love does is keeps no record of wrong. I don't bring up his bad days...and he doesn't bring up mine. If it's that bad of a day, I can remember it myself, and I usually regret acting or speaking the way that I did. And I certainly don't talk to someone else about his bad days. That's between me, him and God.

Another thing that I do on my bad days or his is try to find time to journal. Journaling gives me a tangible way to process it with God before I process it with Lee or (on my bad days not his) I may talk to a close friend about it. But if I have journaled about it first, I can know that I've thought about what I needed to say...and I don't just vent to someone else.

I am thankful to have a happy, healthy marriage. Most days are wonderful...but because we are not perfect, we cannot expect our days to be blissful. This is something that we have to continually work on ourselves. 

Be ready to give grace and receive grace. Apologize and accept the apologies! This is a wonderful way to make your marriage better. Even the best of marriages can improve!!

Marriage Maintenance:: Common Interest

By request from some of my favorite people in the world, I've been asked to write more on Marriage Maintenance...

I was given this question:

What are challenges in marriage you didn't see when dating?

It took me a second to think about it... and there are a ton of challenges that I can write about!!

But one challenge in marriage that I didn't see when we were dating or engaged was finding things in common. 

When we spent all of our time together...we always seemed to have a common interest. Even when I didn't understand everything he was talking about when it came to guitar gear, I was still interested in it.  I wanted to hear about it. He didn't know about the fiction novel I was reading, but he still listened to me talk about the characters and the story. 

We would easily be able to talk about anything that interested us or things we did together or on our own.

But, as we grow and live life...our interests change. And it takes work to make sure that we have something in common. 

I mean, my world revolves around Disney movies and changing diapers...and his world is different than mine. 

So, we have made it a huge effort to have a few things in common at all times:

1. We watch Top Chef together. This is huge for us. It is one of the highlights of our week. We love watching TV together, but when it comes to this show, we talk about the chefs like they are buddies of ours and how much we would like the food they are cooking. And now that we live closer to Aspen, we are dreaming of when we will get to meet some of these chefs at the Food and Wine event someday. It is something that we can dream about together. 

2. We read a book together. I'm thankful for our Kindles. We download the same book, read it and talk about it. That's one of the reasons we moved to Colorado...we read A Million Miles in a Thousand Years (by Donald Miller) together. It gives us something to talk about besides kids, bills, or what needs to be fixed in the house... It has strengthened our relationship!!! We are closer because we read the same thing...We don't necessarily worry about being on the same chapter at the same time...he actually read Blue Like Jazz and A Million Miles in a Thousand Years first, but he has a phenomenal memory and asked me questions or talked about where I was at in the book. It also made me want to read so we could talk about it. 


3. We've started to try to get up before our kids to have coffee together and talk to each other. I didn't think we would have to work so hard to make time for each other, but with Lee's part-time work schedule and getting things ready for the church plus kids...it takes a lot for us to have time to ourselves and time for each other. I am not a morning person at all...but I seem to start yawning at 6:30 pm, and I'm worn out by 9 o'clock at night. I don't have much left to offer...but if it's quiet in the morning, even if we had a rough night with a restless baby (or babies), we can have a few moments together with a cup of coffee and enjoy each other's company. He's worth it to me. 

4. We ask about each others interests. I want to know about his music world, his work world, what the guys in his life are talking about to him...He asks about my blog...what book I'm reading...what the girls in my life are talking to me about. The key is asking and listening...paying attention to each other. 

I know that these things may not seem like a big deal to some...but I do not want our relationship to grow further apart. It's not just about having a common interest...it's talking and listening to each other...communicating about our common interests...not just talking about what bill is due or what the kids destroyed...

I'd rather work on maintaining my marriage than having to go into repair mode in the future because I didn't take care of it enough. It is important to be proactive than reactive.

My marriage is worth it. 

What are some challenges you see in marriage? 
What do you do to make sure you have interests in common with your spouse? I'd love to hear your responses!!

Confident - Not Insecure

It's a great feeling when Lee & I are on the same page.

It's hard when we are not on the same page or even in the same book...

Miscommunication is one of the most frustrating parts of our marriage. 

It's not that we are not communicating, we are just not communicating correctly. 

I have found that I get super defensive when we talk about things that I'm insecure about. 

Hyper-defensive. 

And that is a hard habit for me to change. 

I have to almost remove myself from the conversation...

Lee graciously points out, "I'm not attacking you...I'm just saying..."

It's still hard for me. I still get defensive even when I know he's not attacking me. 

And it all boils down to me being insecure. 

And boy am I insecure about certain things...

And I feel like I have to prove to Lee that I'm right...justify my actions or thoughts.

Communication is hard for me. I'd rather write about it or think about it...but to verbally put it into words is not my favorite thing to do.

I know that Lee is for me, not against me. He wants me to win, to succeed in life. And I know that he wants that for our marriage and family too.

I just need to get over myself. To be open and honest with myself and with him. To let down my guard and look at the bigger picture of things instead of looking at my own insecurities.

I want to improve in this area! I don't want to stay the same!! I want to change, to be a better wife and communicator with the man who loves me so deeply. I want to be able to walk through my insecurities with him - knowing that he cares for me...and he loves me the way that I am...and he sees the woman I am beyond my insecurities. And that is the woman he wants me to be - confident and not insecure.

I am so blessed to have a husband who pushes me beyond what I am to what God has created me to be. I am empowered to be a confident woman because of the confident man walking along side me with his hand on the small of my back.