In a Year's Time: A Miscarriage and A Newborn

Around this time last November (the day before Thanksgiving to be exact), I was having a D & C procedure to make sure that everything was taken care of for the miscarriage that I was having.

And a year later, I'm holding a baby in my arms.

It's something that I don't quite understand.

I do believe that God is in control...and He always has been. Even though I don't understand why things happened the way that they did.

I don't understand why a lot of things happen...

I don't understand how those who don't necessarily want to get pregnant seem to be fertile myrtles, and those who are dying to have a baby of their own can't seem to get pregnant...and some even spend thousands of dollars on medicines to help them without a guarantee.

I just don't understand. I know that there is frustration involved...probably on both sides.

My heart goes out to the women who are like Hannah from the Bible. She desperately wanted a baby of her own...and no one around her seemed to understand...even her husband.

Proverbs 14:10 says,

New Living Translation (©2007) Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can fully share its joy.

Hannah prayed quietly...silently...as she was sobbing...pouring out her heart to God...and she was a mess...a wreck...so much so that she was accused of being drunk! 

After crying out to the Lord, God answered her prayers. (You can read more of Hannah's story by clicking here)

But that answer doesn't always happen that way for every woman who prays - even with that desperation. 

And that is what I don't understand...

My dad has a special faith to pray for women to have babies. I don't know why...but he does. One of my co-workers at Buras Middle School had severe medical issues and was told that she would never have kids of her own. My dad came to the school for a grandparents lunch to eat with my nephew...and my dad stopped by as I was talking to this lady. I told him she was hoping to have a baby, and he didn't know any of her circumstances...he just put his hand on her shoulder and said a simple prayer...

Later that year, she became pregnant and has a healthy little boy...despite what the doctors told her. 

But even all of his prayers don't get answered. 

There were 2 women that we prayed for every night at dinner time while I was growing up...literally, every evening...

And one of them had 2 children, and the other didn't. Even though my dad had prayed for both of them equally. (And these ladies are still best friends!!)

Faith requires believing without seeing what is ahead...trusting that things are going to work out...that God is working on my behalf...and that He has my best interest in mind. Even though it usually doesn't seem that way during the hard times!! That's what faith and trust are about. 

I'm thrilled to be holding my baby girl in my arms. I am finding myself savoring the moments even more now...I know that she is a miracle...and how quickly time will pass and she will no longer be so small. In just a few days she'll already be a month old. 

I'm thankful that God has chosen me to be a mother. I have accepted this role, and I know that these seasons of life will change before I realize it. 

I will continue to pray for my friends who desperately want children of their own...And I know you probably don't want to hear this, but it's so important to not get caught up in what you don't have...but focus on what you do...those in your life who need you now...the things that God has called you to do now. And I believe God is working on your behalf if you trust Him to. 

What if It's Not a Girl...

I am currently doubting the ultrasound determining the gender of this baby...

I don't know why...I can't seem to accept that it is a girl. I mean...they aren't 100% when they do these things...and although it looked like a girl...I just don't know...maybe I was secretly hoping for a boy and can't get over it...

It hasn't helped that when I go for my regular check-ups now, the heart rate is considered a boy rate (which is slightly slower than a girls)...and it has been...so much so that the nurses have asked if I'm having a boy...not much of a confidence booster there!!!

One of the nurses told me that is an old wives tale...but most of my pregnancy symptoms have been similar to my pregnancy with Brennan instead of Bella, which was why we went into our ultrasound convinced that we were having a boy!!

I'm at 35 1/2 weeks. I could go into labor in a week and a half and have a full-term, healthy baby.

And, of course thanks to this wonderful preggo insomnia, I'm awake at 5 am (and have been for over an hour now)...and this "feeling" of uncertainty is driving me crazy! And I really have no one to talk to about this paranoia! :)

I'm even looking into the imaging centers in Denver to have another ultrasound done!!! (OK, so I'm not really going to get one...but I'm thinking about it!)

And part of...ok, all of the pressure I'm feeling is brought upon myself...I am in control of how I respond to these feelings...and I shouldn't let anyone else be the determining factor of how I feel...

Getting things ready...having a name picked out...what to bring to the hospital.

Really, none of that matters. I'm not a huge fan of "gender neutral" things, but what I already have has been used by both my little girl and little boy - except for the plethora of clothes that were mostly given to us.

Either way it goes, this baby will be fed, clothed, and have a place to sleep...which is pretty much all that is required. And I am sure I'll go into labor naturally...and I have no clue whatsoever when that will be...

And I plan on bringing girl and boy clothes to the hospital with us. Last 2 times I lucked out...well, kinda...

Bella was so tiny...the clothes that I had brought for her were all too big...even the newborn dress she came home in was big on her!

So, I assumed that Brennan would be a small baby. Not at all. I just remember rolls everywhere. The first thing I said when they laid him on me was, "Oh my, that's a big baby..." And the clothes I had brought for him were too small! I had one outfit that fit him, luckily...or he would have come home naked! :)

Anyways, this baby Blakney #3 has been a surprise all the way around. God has a purpose and a plan for all of this...the pregnancy, the baby, our family...even to the point of timing...I'll be having a baby around the same time that I had a miscarriage last year...and I believe God's timing and will are perfect...

So, I know that this is not worth stressing about.

If you are thinking of sending a gift or something to us...diapers and gift cards are much appreciated!! I do plan on finishing our registry at Babies R Us this week. There will be quite a few gender neutral things on it - just in case!!

And we don't mind at all if you wait until after the baby is born to pick it out!