Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Post-Miscarriage Love & Support

I am overwhelmed by all of the comments, messages, and hugs Lee & I have received after sharing the blog about our miscarriage.

It feels so wonderful to be loved and supported.

It is awesome that we don't have to go through life alone.

Lee & I didn't really tell a lot of people what was going on. It was like, what do we say??

I hadn't fully miscarried the baby, but there was definitely no heartbeat, no live baby...and it wasn't going to end pretty. But what do we say??

We did tell a few friends because we were supposed to do things with them and had to cancel. And those friends constantly checked up on us throughout the long week that we had...and even after it was all over with.

Lee told me I needed to make sure that I was being honest with people when they asked me how I was doing. I didn't need to just say that I was fine, which is the easy, default thing to say. I needed to share the truth.

And even though I was feeling great physically, on the Friday after the D&C, I began to experience some baby blues. I knew my hormones were changing, and I knew that it was ok to cry. And thankfully I didn't cry about everything!

I just felt a little blah. But, thankfully, Lee & I were both aware of how I was feeling, and he didn't let me get too down or gloomy. He's good like that.

I was able to tell these ladies if I was up or down, whatever it was at the moment when they happened to text me. :) And I knew that they were ok with whatever I told them, and I knew that they would be praying for me. 

And God's perfect timing allowed me to be with my parents and the rest of my family for the weekend, which was wonderful as well.

I really wasn't sure if I wanted to share what we were going through. It all happened so very fast...

But, I have gained strength and encouragement from other women who have gone through this experience before. And we are not meant to go through life alone.

The more we open up and are transparent to those around us, the more they can see what God is doing in us and through us.

And I know that He's still doing a lot in and through me.

Thank you again for all of the love and support you've shown me and my family!! We consider ourselves truly blessed!!

Monday, December 5, 2011

My Miscarriage...

Everything happened so fast.

One week I felt pregnant, the next week I didn't.

Lee kept telling me that I was showing the signs of pregnancy...and I kept denying it. I didn't feel pregnant...until I realized I wanted to drink chocolate milk 3 times a day, and I seemed extra exhausted.

So, Lee bought a test to prove me wrong...and I took the test to prove him wrong. Well, he was right and I was wrong. The test didn't even take 30 seconds to say that I was pregnant. It actually showed positive for pregnancy before it even showed that the test was working accurately.

Lance, who works with Lee at Chi Alpha, was at our house when this all took place. He saw first hand the shock that we were feeling. There were going to be 3 kids under the age of 4 at our house within a year. It was crazy to think that way! But it was exciting! Our kids play well together...they love each other so much. It would be fun to have 3.

We didn't tell very many people. I know that there is a high risk for any pregnancy ending in a miscarriage before the 13 week mark. So, Lee & I knew we would wait until the first trimester would be over before we announced it. (Actually, we were planning on announcing it at our Chi Alpha Christmas Soiree this Tuesday night.)

We did tell our parents, siblings, a few other family members, and the staff at Chi Alpha. It was a new life that was worth being excited about!

Lee & I both had this slight nudging feeling that we were going to lose the baby. We didn't talk about it often, but we would mention it and move on. There was nothing we could do about it either way...except pray. And we've been praying for 8 years that God would give us happy, healthy babies who love Him and serve Him. And He has already answered that prayer twice.

A week after I took the pregnancy test, Lee & I were watching late night tv, and suddenly my back started hurting really bad. Lee googled it and said that back pain wasn't normal and it was a sign of miscarriage. I also started spotting, which is another sign of miscarriage.

I called the doctor the next morning, and they wanted to see me. They did an ultrasound and bloodwork. According to my last cycle, I should have been 8 weeks pregnant, and there should have been a detectable heartbeat, but there wasn't. Dr. Hardey didn't want to give up completely. So, he asked me to come back a week later.

It was a rough week. I kept waiting to just start bleeding. All the time. I didn't want to leave my house because I didn't want to be humiliated in public. I didn't know if I would hemorrhage...if I would need to go to the ER. It was a looooonnnggg week.

I had some more spotting, and expected the worse to happen. But it didn't. It was an emotional roller coaster. I had a friend call to ask a question, and I just started crying as I explained what was going on. Lee & I then spent some time hugging as we cried together. It was a loss for us and our family. It was just a deeply emotional time for us.

Yet this whole time, we were trusting God. He knows what our family needs, what our family can handle...I believe God created a woman's body to work a certain way, and a miscarriage is the body's natural way of taking care of something that is not healthy...there was something wrong this time with this baby.

At the next doctor's appointment, Lee & I went in for another ultrasound. There was no changes, no heartbeat. We had a few options...to let it happen naturally, to take medicine to help it happen naturally, or to have a surgical procedure called a D & C to remove the tissue that was there.

Lee & I talked about it, and scheduled a D & C for the next morning. We did the paperwork, got the bloodwork and everything else done that needed to be done before hand all taken care of. And we were at the hospital at 5:30 am the next morning. (A huge thank you to Hope for staying with our kids at home!!)

I had a friend call me the night before the procedure...after she had brought us dinner, called throughout the week to check on us...and she told me that she had this procedure done as well - except hers was in an emergency setting. And when she went home, she took a nap, and when she woke up she felt normal.

I was ready to feel normal.

I had the procedure done. It took 5 minutes. After waking up from the anesthesia and spending a little bit in recovery, I was back in the room with Lee in no time. I fell asleep for about an hour there, and when I woke up, I felt great. Seriously. I was in shock at how well I felt.

We came home, ate some breakfast with Hope, and then Lee went out to run some errands while I packed up some clothes to go to my parents.

We left that afternoon and had the pre-Thanksgiving dinner with my family that night, and I was able to celebrate Thanksgiving with my family without any worries or any pain. 

God is so faithful to us. He takes such good care of us.

All of this happened so fast in our lives, and I'm not sure why it all happened. Yet I still trust God. Now more than ever I know how precious the lives are of the children that we have. How precious the lives of the students we minister to...the ones who come from good, bad, broken and/or dysfunctional families...that they are here for a reason. A divine purpose. It wasn't an accident that they were born.

We are all fearfully and wonderfully made...Psalm 139:14