And the baby blues hit me like an avalanche.
I cried all day long. About everything.
It started with a frustrating moment with our trash pick up service (or lack thereof)...which is a whole different story...but anyways, that frustration triggered an onset of emotions.
Frustration brought on tears...and then the tears didn't stop all day. Everything made me cry.
Then I started feeling homesick. It's cold here. The holidays are approaching...and I haven't seen my family since May. And I know it will be a while before I get to see them again. And everyone is going to be at my parents house for Thanksgiving this year...even those who haven't been in years...
And it's hard in a hormonal, emotional state to decipher what's reality and what's fleeting emotions.
At least I was aware that no major decisions would be made on Friday or Saturday (yes, the crying continued into part of Saturday, too).
I know my hormones are going through a 3-ring circus right now. Everything is changing in me physiologically...which is affecting my emotions...and I refuse to make decisions based on my emotions alone.
So, I just cried.
I couldn't talk to Lee without tearing up about whatever words were coming out of my mouth...if I could even get the words out of my mouth - whether that was about the stupid trash or which neighbor was bringing dinner over that night or the beautiful table that he refinished...everything - good or bad - had me a big ball of mess.
And then part of me feels like it was just the slightest bit spiritual. Just a little. I hate over-spiritualizing things.
But, I had just written a blog post the day before about how much peace we felt from God in our house. Now, looking back, I feel like that was being challenged by the enemy. And I feel like I didn't rely enough on God in my crazy state of emotions.
I'm not beating myself up about this now...I started feeling much better yesterday, and then last night we had dinner with Shawn & Amy, and we laughed together, and they encouraged us, and we walked from their house to our house feeling refreshed...
I did journal on Friday and Saturday. I did write honestly about how I was feeling...even if it was irrational. And I believe that is part of what helped me through this bout of baby blues. And I know that when I look back on it in a few days I'll be able to learn even more about myself in that experience.
(*Side note - now when I want to journal and the kids are awake, I turn on some worship music and get out a notebook for each of them and they draw and "write" like I do...it's a good time for all of us.)
Hormones are a crazy part of pregnancy and post-partumn. They can wreak havoc on a woman and affect the rest of her family as well. I do not want to stifle my emotions, but I refuse to let them control me. I don't feel like I did or thought anything that I regret - I didn't act on those emotions. That's why journaling is so safe for me. I can process it first that way.
* I can say that after having Bella, I now think that I had post-partumn depression and just didn't get treated. The description of it says that if you don't want to take care of your baby or yourself, then you have it. Well, my problem was that I wanted to take care of her, and nursing wasn't working out for us. I cried too much...even though I was taking care of her and myself ok. I still should have gotten help. (Don't let that be the part of the description that is keeping you from getting help if you need it!!)
This is a whole new experience for us...3 kids...1400 miles away from all we've ever known...a new community...a new way of life...it really is a whole new trusting God experience.
But, we are living a story worth telling. And even when my emotions are in a chaotic state, I can trust God that He has my best interest in mind.