Monday, November 12, 2012

Baby Blues

I did great for the first week. I felt great. Physically, emotionally, even spiritually...I was doing good.

Then Friday rolled around. A week and a day after I had Breelee...

And the baby blues hit me like an avalanche.

I cried all day long. About everything.

It started with a frustrating moment with our trash pick up service (or lack thereof)...which is a whole different story...but anyways, that frustration triggered an onset of emotions.

Frustration brought on tears...and then the tears didn't stop all day. Everything made me cry.

Then I started feeling homesick. It's cold here. The holidays are approaching...and I haven't seen my family since May. And I know it will be a while before I get to see them again. And everyone is going to be at my parents house for Thanksgiving this year...even those who haven't been in years...

And it's hard in a hormonal, emotional state to decipher what's reality and what's fleeting emotions.

At least I was aware that no major decisions would be made on Friday or Saturday (yes, the crying continued into part of Saturday, too).

I know my hormones are going through a 3-ring circus right now. Everything is changing in me physiologically...which is affecting my emotions...and I refuse to make decisions based on my emotions alone.

So, I just cried.

I couldn't talk to Lee without tearing up about whatever words were coming out of my mouth...if I could even get the words out of my mouth - whether that was about the stupid trash or which neighbor was bringing dinner over that night or the beautiful table that he refinished...everything - good or bad - had me a big ball of mess.

And then part of me feels like it was just the slightest bit spiritual. Just a little. I hate over-spiritualizing things.

But, I had just written a blog post the day before about how much peace we felt from God in our house. Now, looking back, I feel like that was being challenged by the enemy. And I feel like I didn't rely enough on God in my crazy state of emotions.

I'm not beating myself up about this now...I started feeling much better yesterday, and then last night we had dinner with Shawn & Amy, and we laughed together, and they encouraged us, and we walked from their house to our house feeling refreshed...

I did journal on Friday and Saturday. I did write honestly about how I was feeling...even if it was irrational. And I believe that is part of what helped me through this bout of baby blues. And I know that when I look back on it in a few days I'll be able to learn even more about myself in that experience.

(*Side note - now when I want to journal and the kids are awake, I turn on some worship music and get out a notebook for each of them and they draw and "write" like I's a good time for all of us.)

 Hormones are a crazy part of pregnancy and post-partumn. They can wreak havoc on a woman and affect the rest of her family as well. I do not want to stifle my emotions, but I refuse to let them control me. I don't feel like I did or thought anything that I regret - I didn't act on those emotions. That's why journaling is so safe for me. I can process it first that way.

* I can say that after having Bella, I now think that I had post-partumn depression and just didn't get treated. The description of it says that if you don't want to take care of your baby or yourself, then you have it. Well, my problem was that I wanted to take care of her, and nursing wasn't working out for us. I cried too much...even though I was taking care of her and myself ok. I still should have gotten help. (Don't let that be the part of the description that is keeping you from getting help if you need it!!)

This is a whole new experience for us...3 kids...1400 miles away from all we've ever known...a new community...a new way of really is a whole new trusting God experience.

But, we are living a story worth telling. And even when my emotions are in a chaotic state, I can trust God that He has my best interest in mind.


  1. I am so glad that you share these personal things Bri and are so transparent...I am so so much like you and almost everything you write about I think "hey I completely understand that" and it is so encouraging to know I am not the only one or not alone in experiencing what I call super-emotions and I constantly fight that battle of deciphering feeling from truth. I too am I writer/journaler and take a while to process my thoughts. I am praying for you and thinking about you guys often!!

    1. Thanks Sam!! Lee even said this was a more "raw" post for me :) It feels good to be real and transparent. Thanks for the encouragement!! Keep journaling! It is so helpful!!!

  2. Wonderful job Bri.
    Be encouraged that you are not alone in this. Many women have felt what you feel. I had a few days of that when our third was born. He was our first boy and we had three miscarriages before him and I thought I was crazy for walking around crying like I did, instead of rejoicing. I was happy on the inside, but the tears fell nonstop. It was weird. But, one day, without notice, it was just gone. And I was me again. I am proud of your transparency. It's not always easy. This post is going to bless someone who really needs it! We love you all and are praying for you!
    I know you miss your family, and that may take time to get used to, but you are making amazing NEW Thanksgiving memories now. They are going to be great!!

    1. thanks Tammy! I do feel a lot better now :) I know it was a major hormonal shift. I appreciate your encouragement!!!