How I Love Lee

I feel so blessed. I love being married to Lee. 

We've been together for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health...definitely for better or for worse. 

And I absolutely love him. I love being with him. I love hearing his voice. I love being on the same page as him. 

I just feel blessed. 

I choose to love him every day. 

I know that there are days when we get frustrated with each other...we disagree on things...but I still choose to love him, and he chooses to love me. 

Love is a choice. Not a feeling. I think my feelings can change with the wind. But I don't have to make my choices based on feelings. 

I really like looking at 1 Corinthians 13 when it comes to thinking about "true love." I mean, it's known as the love chapter. It's often read at weddings...inscribed somewhere for marital celebrations. 

In verse 4 it begins giving a list of what love is and what love is not...

Love is patient.
Love is kind. 
It does not envy, 
It does not boast, 
It is not proud.
It is not rude, 
It is not self-seeking, 
It is not easily angered, 
It keeps no record of wrongs. 
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 

Those are strong images of what love is and what love is not. 

I don't succeed at truly loving Lee every day according to these verses. 

I'm getting ready to teach a Bible Study Methods class for our Deeper small group at Connection Church. I am soooooooo excited about this. 

And one of the things that is consistent with every method of studying the Bible is application. 

It's one thing to learn about it...but I am missing the point if I don't apply what I have learned to my life. 

So...my personal goal is to memorize these verses again (I memorized them when I was a teenager)...and whenever I don't "feel" like loving Lee (or anyone else for that matter), I will meditate on these verses...I will make sure that I am applying them to my life. 

I want to love my husband even more than I do now. 

Marriages don't just get better over time...It's not like a fine wine that can be put on the shelf and get better by itself. 

A good marriage takes work...and a great marriage takes a lot of work!

But every investment in my marriage is worth it...and every effort to love like 1 Corinthians 13 talks about makes my marriage more delightful than it was the day before!

And that is worth it to me!!

Marriage Maintenance:: So When You Have a Bad Day

It is unrealistic to think that every day of marriage will be blissful...I mean, every day as a human isn't blissful...and marriage is 2 humans sharing life together...and when 1 is having a bad day, it usually means the other is as well.

And often, because of the nature of life...we take our bad days out on those closest to us...

Others may not have a clue that you are having a bad day...but your spouse should.

So, what do you do if you are the one having the bad day?

1. Don't say things that you'll regret.
It's easier said than done. When I'm having a bad day, my words can cut Lee like a knife. I'm usually short-tempered...I usually say things that I don't mean...or in a way that I don't mean them... And normally my goal is not to intentionally hurt Lee, but that's usually what happens because I'm being super selfish and a jerk. And although it kills Lee when I'm quiet...it's in these moments that it's better if I keep my comments to myself.

2. Don't bring up past irritations.
1 Peter 4:8 says, "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins." I know that I'm not perfect and I do things that even tick him off. And then there are things that he does that irritate me...and honestly, it's super easy to focus on those things when I'm in a selfish, negative mindset. But it's super important for me not to bring those up. Live in the moment, not the past.

And then what do you do if you are not the one having the bad day, but your spouse is?

1. Take it in stride...
I've probably had more bad days than Lee has...and I take it out on him more than he does on me. It's not a daily thing that we take turns on...it's pretty rare for us. I don't expect his bad day just to go away because I want it to...So, when the bad day happens, I let it happen. I don't always to try to fix it...sometimes it's just best to give a little space. It may be best to talk about it afterwards.

2. Keep my comments to myself
I don't have to react to what is being said or done. 1 Corinthians 13 gives a list of what love is. (I talked about it in my blog post Celebrating LOVE, you can click here to read that one). One of the things love does is keeps no record of wrong. I don't bring up his bad days...and he doesn't bring up mine. If it's that bad of a day, I can remember it myself, and I usually regret acting or speaking the way that I did. And I certainly don't talk to someone else about his bad days. That's between me, him and God.

Another thing that I do on my bad days or his is try to find time to journal. Journaling gives me a tangible way to process it with God before I process it with Lee or (on my bad days not his) I may talk to a close friend about it. But if I have journaled about it first, I can know that I've thought about what I needed to say...and I don't just vent to someone else.

I am thankful to have a happy, healthy marriage. Most days are wonderful...but because we are not perfect, we cannot expect our days to be blissful. This is something that we have to continually work on ourselves. 

Be ready to give grace and receive grace. Apologize and accept the apologies! This is a wonderful way to make your marriage better. Even the best of marriages can improve!!

Marriage Maintenance:: Common Interest

By request from some of my favorite people in the world, I've been asked to write more on Marriage Maintenance...

I was given this question:

What are challenges in marriage you didn't see when dating?

It took me a second to think about it... and there are a ton of challenges that I can write about!!

But one challenge in marriage that I didn't see when we were dating or engaged was finding things in common. 

When we spent all of our time together...we always seemed to have a common interest. Even when I didn't understand everything he was talking about when it came to guitar gear, I was still interested in it.  I wanted to hear about it. He didn't know about the fiction novel I was reading, but he still listened to me talk about the characters and the story. 

We would easily be able to talk about anything that interested us or things we did together or on our own.

But, as we grow and live life...our interests change. And it takes work to make sure that we have something in common. 

I mean, my world revolves around Disney movies and changing diapers...and his world is different than mine. 

So, we have made it a huge effort to have a few things in common at all times:

1. We watch Top Chef together. This is huge for us. It is one of the highlights of our week. We love watching TV together, but when it comes to this show, we talk about the chefs like they are buddies of ours and how much we would like the food they are cooking. And now that we live closer to Aspen, we are dreaming of when we will get to meet some of these chefs at the Food and Wine event someday. It is something that we can dream about together. 

2. We read a book together. I'm thankful for our Kindles. We download the same book, read it and talk about it. That's one of the reasons we moved to Colorado...we read A Million Miles in a Thousand Years (by Donald Miller) together. It gives us something to talk about besides kids, bills, or what needs to be fixed in the house... It has strengthened our relationship!!! We are closer because we read the same thing...We don't necessarily worry about being on the same chapter at the same time...he actually read Blue Like Jazz and A Million Miles in a Thousand Years first, but he has a phenomenal memory and asked me questions or talked about where I was at in the book. It also made me want to read so we could talk about it. 


3. We've started to try to get up before our kids to have coffee together and talk to each other. I didn't think we would have to work so hard to make time for each other, but with Lee's part-time work schedule and getting things ready for the church plus kids...it takes a lot for us to have time to ourselves and time for each other. I am not a morning person at all...but I seem to start yawning at 6:30 pm, and I'm worn out by 9 o'clock at night. I don't have much left to offer...but if it's quiet in the morning, even if we had a rough night with a restless baby (or babies), we can have a few moments together with a cup of coffee and enjoy each other's company. He's worth it to me. 

4. We ask about each others interests. I want to know about his music world, his work world, what the guys in his life are talking about to him...He asks about my blog...what book I'm reading...what the girls in my life are talking to me about. The key is asking and listening...paying attention to each other. 

I know that these things may not seem like a big deal to some...but I do not want our relationship to grow further apart. It's not just about having a common interest...it's talking and listening to each other...communicating about our common interests...not just talking about what bill is due or what the kids destroyed...

I'd rather work on maintaining my marriage than having to go into repair mode in the future because I didn't take care of it enough. It is important to be proactive than reactive.

My marriage is worth it. 

What are some challenges you see in marriage? 
What do you do to make sure you have interests in common with your spouse? I'd love to hear your responses!!

Marriage Maintenance:: Lessons from a Grapefruit

Growing up in Plaquemines Parish, citrus fruit was available to us all winter long. It really is an industry down there. I mean, the parish festival that represents the best that we have to offer is the Orange Festival.

There is just something about the soil down there. So rich...and it produces wonderful fruit!!

My dad always planted trees: navels, satsumas, and grapefruit.

Some trees lasted a long time and others struggled to produce any fruit at all.

His grapefruit tree was huge though. Seriously, it was like 15 feet tall. There was no way our family could eat all of the grapefruits it produced.

People would come over and just start cutting...they would carry away bags of grapefruit, and there would still be more.

It was a blessed tree. These were the largest, sweetest grapefruits I've ever seen or tasted.

Marriage is like cutting a grapefruit.

You can never cut it in half evenly. One half will always be larger than the other.

Lee and I were told by a very dear friend of ours this:

"Lee, if you cut the grapefruit, give the larger half to Bri.

Bri, if you cut the grapefruit, give the larger half to Lee."

This has stuck with me for almost 10 years now.

Marriage quickly showed me (and it continues to show me) how selfish I can be, but this lesson reminds me how selfless I need to be.

Selflessness is hard. It is not natural. Our human nature automatically wants to look out for itself...and to constantly put someone else's best above one's own all the time is not an easy task to successfully accomplish.

The Five Love Languages book by Dr. Gary Chapman has helped me and Lee. We know the way that we each receive/feel loved, and we work hard to show each other in those ways.

Giving Lee the larger half of the grapefruit is not just about physical things...like when we literally split a snickers bar in half...Or only when things are going good...

It's about doing unto others as you would have them do unto you...treating someone the way I want to be treated.

There are days when I don't want to do that. It would be easier to be selfish. To focus on myself and what I want...

And I know that there are times when it drives Lee crazy that my car is a mess...but he cleans it without complaining...even though he may give me a little bit of a hard time. :) He still does it for me even though he's not the one who made the mess.

Selflessness requires action...and it is definitely a way to make a marriage better.
Selfishness will only tear a marriage apart.

Marriage Maintenance - A Foundation of Trust

I trust Lee with all of my heart. I really do. And I know that he trusts me too.

I know that we don't have a perfect marriage...and we've both done things that have disappointed the other.

But we still trust each other.

I trust that he has my best interest in mind.

I trust that he's going to take care of our family.

I trust that he's not going to cheat on me.

Trust is a precious, valuable, personal possession.

Once my trust is broken, (this is for me on a personal level), it takes a lot for someone to gain that trust back.

I have to choose to trust again.

And I have. I have given second chances...mostly because I've been given second chances.

In some marriages, there are some hurts that run deep, and trust is badly broken.

But I believe that God desires for us to restore that trust. It doesn't happen overnight, but with His help, trust can be rebuilt.

Lee and I have a marriage that is built on a foundation of trust. There are times when I don't want to be completely honest with him...or I don't want to ask the hard questions...or I don't want him to ask me the hard questions...

But we are honest with each other. We are able to tell each other how we feel...even though we know that the other may not want to hear what has to be said because it may hurt our feelings. But it doesn't do any good to hold those feelings in...

And it certainly isn't good for one of us to tell someone else (especially someone of the opposite sex) how we are feeling and not each other.

I don't ever want to tell someone something that I wouldn't tell Lee. And I trust that he feels the same way about me. If I can't tell him, then no one should know about it...I can journal it or take it to my grave.

There are attacks on our marriage. I am aware of this. But because our foundation is built on Christ and trust in each other...that's a Rock that cannot be shaken.


If there is a foundation problem in a house, the house can crumble...it's not safe...it's a danger zone.

I want our marriage to be a safe place for each other and our family...it's the greatest gift we can give to each other and our kids...

He Deserves More than My Silence

I am getting what I asked for.

I am reading these books that are helping me improve msyelf...and I'm seeing how much of a mess I really am!

Ulgh. I'm recognizing patterns in my life...black spots in my character. It's is quite humbling to say that. I don't know why I feel like I have to appear perfect. I know I'm not perfect. I know others know I'm not perfect.

Yet I still feel this ridiculous, unrealistic pressure that I put on myself to appear perfect.

And as I read these books on my kindle (which is helping me read more books way more quickly than I ever would have before), I am seeing the cracks in myself...in my pride...in my character...in who I really am.

One of the things is my communication style...especially when it comes to Lee and I disagreeing on something.

I shut down. I don't want to talk about it. I'd rather not let the conversation go any further. Eventually I'll get over it. Eventually it will go away. I don't want to express how I feel.

I have no idea where this pattern has come from, but it has been a present part of our marriage for the past 8 1/2 years. Lee's tired of it...because he always wants to talk about whatever it is that is upsetting me. I am thankful that he cares about me and our marriage that much.

He refuses to let me shut down. He asks me over and over and over to communicate with him. Eventually I give in. It doesn't take as long as it used to. And if I try to hold it in, I blow up.

I've come to realize that this is a defense mechanism for me. And it's also a form of manipulation. I don't talk usually because I'm upset for not getting my way or things haven't gone like I think that they should.

I'm not going to lie, there is a huge chunk of me that wants to delete this whole page. To not show you this entry into my life. To keep my pride in tact.

But who am I fooling? Myself? God?

I want to change. I want to be different. It is selfish of me to stay the same. Christ has not called me to be a manipulator. And it would be my pride that kept me there if I let it.

So, I admit I am working on my interpersonal communication skills - specifically with my husband. He begs for me to be honest, and even when I feel like my honest opinion is ridiculous or selfish so I don't want to admit it, he deserves to hear it instead of nothing. He deserves more than my silence.

The book I'm reading that is challenging me in this is Now You're Speaking My Language: Honest Communication and Deeper Intimacy for a Stronger Marriage by Dr. Gary Chapman who wrote the book The Five Love Languages.



I want my marriage to be even better than it is. I will not settle for anything less than the best. So in order to do that, I have to change myself and not just wait for my communication skills to get better.

I am so thankful that Lee thinks I'm worth it. That he's patient and encouraging, and he is working right along side of me to make sure that we communicate - not becoming the same person, but improving the 2 individuals who are joined together in this life.

Knowledge is powerful, but it is useless if it is not put into practice. I can learn all this information, but if I don't use it to allow the Holy Spirit to change me, then it's a waste.

I'm ready for the challenge. And I know Lee is too. And I will look back at this time in my life knowing that I am not the same as I used to be.

Boys Will Be Boys

I've been given (or bought for myself) several marriage books over the years.

It's true that it takes a lot of work to make a marriage work, and there are a few books that have really helped me understand how to make our marriage better.

One of the books was a little, tiny thing...something about "How to be the wife your husband has always desired..." I can't remember the title, and due to the fire, I don't think I have it anymore - and to be fair, Lee had the other one, "How to be the husband your wife has always desired..."

Anyways, the thing that stuck out to me the most about this book was this piece of advice:
"Let boys be boys and play with their toys."

The author talked about how much better of a husband her man was after he was able to go out and ride 4wheelers with his friends. And she stressed about letting him go BEFORE she asked him to finish the honey-do list...And that he often came home ready to tackle her list without her ever mentioning it to him.

This has been true in our relationship.

It's so important for Lee to spend time with guys and me to spend time with girls. Not all of our time has to be spent with each other. And not all of our time has to be spent at home.

Lee pays more attention to me after he's been hanging out with guys. He's more affectionate towards me and the kids. He's also more ready to wrestle and tickle...forcing me to be more playful than I normally am.  And he's more than happy to stay with the kids and let me get out for a while.

Our marriage is a partnership. We are two individuals who are joined together as one...but we don't lose our own identities...and we don't live separate lives either. It's a delicate balance.  And we have to work hard to make sure that it doesn't get out of balance.

I know that Lee loves me just as much if not more after he's had a time of being a boy. I can't explain it. I'm sure there is some physiological explanation that I'm totally unaware of. But I will settle for the proof in the tender hug and kiss I get from him when he gets home after he has been out with the guys.

There's nothing wrong with a boy being a boy.

Marriage Maintenance - Fighting Fair

I started reading a new book...Four Days to a Forever Marriage: Choosing Love over Anger

It's in a conversational format, and it's written by both husband and wife - Dr. Gary & Norma Smalley. It's really cool to see both sides to their story. Because just like in my house, men & women view things soooo differently.

One thing that has stuck out to me the most is one of their "fighting rules," which is to "maintain as much tender physical contact as possible. Hold hands."

The last thing I want to do when I'm mad is touch Lee in a tender way...much less hold his hand. Especially if I'm the very upset one. (We tend to take turns...one of us is usually more upset than the other.)

I'm just being honest.

But, the next time we disagree, I'm going to try this. I'm not saying that it will be easy or always work, but I want our relationship to grow and flourish...and I think this is an area where I can greatly improve.

I need to be less defensive with him.

Holding hands would definitely keep me from building a wall...and I know that when Lee and I disagree, he's not trying to hurt me. This can keep my heart tender.

I know that my tone of voice is different when I hold his hand. My body language is different. I can't cross my arms and "protect" myself or close myself off.
Most of our disagreements are because we aren't communicating as clearly as we want to. And the frustration of being misunderstood can turn the heat up quickly in a discussion.

Proverbs 15:1 says, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."

I want to be better at offering a gentle answer, and I know that one way to work on that with my husband is by holding his hand.

He Thinks I'm Worth Fighting For

I have a good husband who fights for me.

He hasn't had to get in a fist fight yet over me...

But he fights for me to be the best that I can be.

He refuses to let me settle for anything mediocre.

I've gone through some hard times emotionally and mentally, and he's always been there beside me. I know that those were some frustrating times for him. I didn't want to come out of the self-pity I was wallowing in. Most of the times that I came out of it was because he drug me out.

Yet he still doesn't tire of fighting for me.

Anytime we talk about future dreams or desires, I often want to sit back and let him do all of the talking. After all, he's much more of a talker than I am.

And I would rather support him in his dreams.

But that's not fair to him.

He needs to be able to support me in mine too.

Sometimes it's hard for me to dream. It's hard to see past the diapers, wipes, cries, and chores that envelope my day to day life.

But, those days are changing. Yesterday with Bella at Mother's Day Out was a glimpse that life isn't going to be this way forever.

So, as dreams come flittering into my heart, Lee is there to catch them and help me run with them. He is there to push me to be better than I am - to go further than my dreams.

He sees me as something more than a wife and a mom. He sees me as his best friend, and he wants the absolute best for me. And he's willing to fight for that so I'm not lost in the background, where sometimes I am more willing to stay than I should be.

He thinks that I'm worth fighting for.