I haven't been feeling inspired lately. I feel like I'm in a brain fog. My thinking is unclear, and I feel like I'm just making it through each day. Lee said he thinks I'm in survival mode....I'm surviving but I'm not thriving.
I know that I've had a lot to think about in the past few weeks. And the grief from the loss of my grandma (and thinking about my mom) has had a toll on me.
I just feel like I've been in a funk. Stuck. Not moving forward.
It hasn't been fun. I haven't been a fun person to be around either.
And still in the middle of the funk, I know God is speaking to me (even when I don't hear His voice)...and I know that He's challenging me to grow through this.
One of my favorite quotes is from Jeff Stanfill..."Things don't grow at the top of the mountain. They grow in the valleys and are carried to the top of the mountain."
My most glorious, top of the world experiences don't challenge me to grow. It's the unpleasant, uncomfortable almost down in the dumps experience that make me grow.
This funk has made me realize how selfish I'm being. My patience has been shorter with my precious children. They don't deserve that. I haven't been the nicest person to Lee...he doesn't deserve that either. My emotions and feelings should not dictate how I treat them. It's usually the people who are the closest to you that you hurt the most, and I don't want to hurt my beautiful family.
I have a choice to be selfish. To continue to live in this funky, brain fog time. Or, I can keep walking by faith...taking steps away from selfishness to selflessness. It's not easy. It's not a clear path at the moment.
I grew up in Buras, and there was always thick, dense fog. There would be times where I could hardly see a tenth of a mile in front of me. I had to slow down, but I didn't stop my car and wait for the fog to lift up. And because I slowed down and was extra cautious, I made it home safe.
So, even through this time, I know that I can slow down, but I still need to move forward. One step of faith at a time.